We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
