My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
