I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
