I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
