Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
