he shaved USA in his pubs
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
