I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
