Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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