my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
