I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
