made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
