Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
