I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
