are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
