imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
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Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
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Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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