I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
