i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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