Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
