I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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