dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
