apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
