Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
