She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
