The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
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I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
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I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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