I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The uberlube is also flammable
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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