A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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