There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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