using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
