The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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