My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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