careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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