I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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