I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize