Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
