Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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