were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
