I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
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his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
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Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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