He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
