I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
