OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
