I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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