dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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