I wish I only lived at night.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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