Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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