She is in my trunk
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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