There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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