john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
