I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
