If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
