my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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