Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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