New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
