i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my being single is dangerous.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
