I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
