Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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