if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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