I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
