meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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