Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
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