I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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