There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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