I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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