Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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